Mental Pupcakes:

Inability to pull one's head out of one's own ass.

not that i didn't know it, but this weekend just really points out to me how i have no friends.  yesterday the kids kept to themselves, the spouse slept and then went to work, and i sat.  i played xbox and did the typical daily internet.  by the time i went to bed i was lonely.  it caused me to think this morning, there is no one i feel i could call to 'do something' with.  no one.  my mother would be the one person i'd feel ok with, until she rejected me due to other plans.  i really don't have friends anymore.  acquaintances, coworkers, family that is not close, but not anyone i'd call a friend enough to feel comfortable calling out of the blue and believe they'd want to do something, anything, with me.   at this point in life i'm too afraid of rejection, i'd rather just be lonely than KNOW i'm a loser.  

Depression Test
I took the test at . It didn't really tell me anything I didn't know but I was still surprised by the results:


Your Score
Major Depression: High
Dysthymia: High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: High-Moderate
Cyclothymia: High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: Extremely High
Postpartum Depression: N/A
Take the Depression Test

I didn't think Major Depression was that much, nor Bipolar.  SAD, I KNOW that, it's TERRIBLE right now.  Dysthymia, that's a given, I've been depressed most of my life.  Cyclothymia, I suppose is more likely than Bipolar.

I already know I'm a wreck right now.  I'm tired of being this way.  Sometimes I really try to get out of it, get busy, make myself do stuff.  But a lot of times I fail, I start & quit, or a just can't seem to get out of the chair.  I'm afraid my family, mainly my spouse, is growing tired of me.  I feel a bit like I did years ago when I was on Effexor and he confessed he was ready to leave cuz I was such a zombie.  Wellbutrin isn't supposed to do that, it works differently, and yet I find myself stuck in muck.  I've had a lot of health issues this year, which has been stressful, and possibly may be affecting how my antidepressant works in me, or maybe it's just petered out, or maybe I'm just immune now, or maybe I'm just a big lazy schmuck.  I hate feeling this way.  Part of me wants to stop them, see if I get a rebound mania like last time--even though I know how damaging that ended up being too.

I just feel so stuck lately.  

(no subject)
My head is spinning today.  So much I want to say and yet no words seem adequate.  So much to do, and feel like I'm getting nothing done.  Spin. Spin. Spin. 

Peek a boo
I was having a medical problem that caused me to look back on my history, I knew the information was somewhere in this journal or in the one I kept at deardiary.  Well, I see DD is kaput.  While I can view entries, I can't log in anymore to read anything private as it seems they don't support it anymore and the login function is broke. Thankfully I was able to find it just reading the non private entries there.  But it also caused me to check into here, and since I can't update there, the 2 times a year lately, I guess I'll move back here.

Overall I've been doing exceptionally well lately.  I've had a stressful couple months and I haven't had hardly any mental issues.  I'm doing well so you know what that means - something has to change.  Knowing a change is coming had made me think about how stable I've been the last couple months, even through some hard times.  And that may be about to change since I'm going to have a change in at least 1 med if not 2 in the next 2 weeks.  It makes me questions WHY did I pursue this problem instead of ignore it? I guess all I can do is hope the new med won't fuck me too bad.

I've had 2 people so far today tell me the state I live in sucks.  I know it does.  But I'm stuck here, and just have to make the best of it.  It makes me want to not exist at all.  It sucks living here, I'm truly not sure if any other place is ideal either as it may suck even more or maybe just a little bit less.  CHANGE sucks.  It's easier to just continue living as you are.  An that in itself is sucky sometimes.

I've managed to cut myself off from many people, and I want to cut even further.  I want to just have to deal with my family and close co-workers and no one else.  Unfortunately I have several friends that won't let that happen, and I guess secretly I think it's a good thing.  Life is lonely sometimes, and to know someone, anyone, is thinking about it makes it more bearable.  But today makes me feel like I should cut more of the internet out of my life.  Lose those friends who search for me there.   Become more private in my internet life basically.  You can't get rid of it, it's almost vital to daily living now days.  Dr. Google is great! I read the news online.  I have to do some work via the internet.  And of course down time of surfing for meaningless shit.

I wish life was different somehow, I just don't know how and so I feel like not existing at all.  My kids tho, they keep me here. Life is not so bleak that I think they are better off without me, at least at this moment lol. 

time to move on
 Perhaps it's time to move on from LJ.  No one reads, I don't find much therapy in writing here anymore.  

a nobody
 so, we have new management at work.  the one new boss, if he says hi to me in conversation im amazed.  the only communication is in a work directive.  not that i wanna be chums with him, but nothing like feeling like your a nobody.  we'll be getting another new supervisor replacement next month, not sure what to think of that one, he seems very similar.  its bad enuf my immediate supervisor thinks the world of me and yet im left out of the loop on most things.  i love working on the hr side but being the last person to know changes cuz i'm told nothing until a written change is put in my basket to process for payroll.  so, i keep telling myself it's best to not know anything, keep my nose to myself, and keep it out of office politics.  do the work in front of me, and keep my walls up.  

ya right

cleaning: minimal. exercise: minimal.  being lost: maximum.

going to get the kids this morning. that should help my mental state.  too much alone time. 

touchy feely
 idk if it's just me, or if it's a bpd thing, or something else.  but clingyness drives me insane and makes me feel smothered and testy.  for the last three days my family has been intensely clingy.  if i wasnt at work, at any given time i had one of the three touching me.  i tried to be tolerant, and understanding.  the man is stressed out do to work issues, the kids have had quite a summer with lots of time away from home and left yet again today for another week.  i "allowed" them to be clingy, for their sake.  i'm the one with the touch problem, they shouldn't be made to feel bad for it.  

now im home - alone.  mostly silent, except for the pets.  idk what this week will bring other than long work days so i can take friday off.  i have few expectations or plans while not at work.  clean should be one of them.  exercise another.  should being the key word.  we'll see.

 worked my fucking ass off at work today.  30 minute lunch, no breaks.  get off and go look at a halfcrap house that spouse is interested in.  the sellers want WAY too much tho.  and idk how the hell we'd get this place ready to sell since spouse is a procrastinator.  im not much better either tho.  its overwhelming to think about.  plus that place needs a lot of work done in painting and flooring to fix up to live in beyond looking like a trashy trailer house.  

only to come home to a big fucking cluttered pigsty that no one has bothered to pick any thing up whatsoever.  im not a neat freak, but my god come on.  i want to live alone, no one else to make a mess for me to have to deal with because they are lazy fucking slobs.  

pissed off at feeling pushed aside.  the bpd snapped.  that 'perceived abandonment' issue and all.  the rest of the week looks hopeless and frustrating.  idk why i let so much feeling and hope rest on something that shouldn't be so that important.  and yet i do.  

need to go to bed.  ignore life for 8 hrs. 

eye rolls
 eye rolls.  i think i'm getting those -- you know, the kind below your eyes, or over your eyes.  it's called aging.  i've never noticed wrinkles before but i do this year.  allergies are doing a number on the skin around my eyes from being so itchy. :(

eye rolls.  i joined a couple borderline personality disorder groups on facebook. oy. dramafuckingqueens.  i realize my case is probably 'mild' but omg seriously are you that disordered? or is bpd an excuse to be an even bigger asshole/bitch? how about trying to control your actions and emotions--your NOT psychotic, just a bitch.  

eye rolls.  at myself.  there are a hundred things i could be doing and all i feel like is sitting on my ass ignoring the world.  kinda like the spouse did for a bit.  im tired of feeling judged.  i don't wanna be looked at.  don't fucking look at me.  i don't wanna do anything for anyone.  i want someone to do something for me.  i'm tired of feeling like anything i do is for naught.  i'm tired of feeling like i'm only worth something if so and so is bored and wants attention or something done for them.  

eye rolls. at family.  tonight i realized something.  one of the things i enjoyed most about my house being empty for a month was NO ONE  BEGGED TO BUY SOMETHING.  the last 3 days it's been the spouse.  first it was look at fridges, and i didn't find one i loved so i nixed it.  today it was a lawn mower.  by 5 pm i didn't give a shit about anything anymore and said whatever.  so he's spent $800 happily.  maybe he'll leave me the fuck alone the rest of the week.  doubt im that lucky. 


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